A Greek American about getting married to a Greek

Being a Greek-American, I have come to know Greece both as a tourist and as a resident citizen. To the tourist Greece can seem like Paradise, but when you live here, it often seems more like Purgatory.

As a woman, I have come to the sad conclusion that there is little respect for women as people in Greece. There is passion for the feminine, but no real love for the female, admiration for the lady, but contempt for the woman. An educated woman is doomed in the face of a sweet ignorant one, the experienced one scores far fewer points than the innocent. The Greek woman, however, knows the rules, and the clever ones play the game to their own advantage. Women in Greece are trained to make a good catch. But if you are a foreign woman, well… good luck!

The Rules of Dating

If you are determined to get involved with a Greek man, there are several rules you should follow. First, it is imperative that he NOT still live with his mother. Second, not only should he not live with his mother, but she should live as far away as possible. DO NOT marry a Greek man and move into the apartment on the floor above his mother. Rules 1 and 2 are the most important because it is virtually guaranteed that as the wife of a Greek man, you will despise all mothers-in-law in no time flat. You will quickly realize that even if your husband thinks he loves you, it is really just taken for granted by him and his entire kin that you are one of his appendages. There is a reason for the Greek tradition of stomping on your husband’s feet during the wedding ceremony: success in this venture is said to guarantee a wife the upper hand throughout her marriage. The problem is, she tends to dominate throughout the duration of her son’s marriage as well!

Third, your man of choice should be educated in a foreign country or well-traveled, preferably both. These experiences will broaden his mind so you won’t suffer from so much culture clash. And fourth, be sure you truly understand how your prince feels about women . How shocked I was when a 35-year-old acquaintance whom I’ll call Akis informed me that he really doesn’t think women are as mentally capable as men. As proof he offered, "There are so many more published male authors than female." My explanation that the discrepancy is owed to the fact that women have only been allowed to publish books relatively recently in comparison with men was petulantly answered with, "Well, no female writer has ever sparked my interest." I wonder if he’s read any? When I saw him last he was reading Freud. God help us!

A conversation with a lawyer friend of mine left me even more disappointed. This young man whom I believed to be open-minded, with great depth and intelligence, casually explained that for a Greek man there are two kinds of women: the ones that bring out great passion and with whom every man desires a tumultuous love affair, "and the ones that you marry." I twinged inside as I looked at this truly beautiful man, so capable, so full of potential, caught within the vice of the madonna-whore complex. And he is living it out. He had his tumultuous affair with an incredibly beautiful and vibrant woman throughout his years at university. Once it came time to go back to his island and take over his father’s law firm, however, he dropped the exotic mistress for a plainer, simpler, younger girl that matches his and his family’s expectations of a wife.

Another lawyer I know, in his late 30s and married with children, doesn’t even like his wife (and this is also not uncommon!). Why did he marry her? First, a wife is essential for having a family, particularly a son to carry on the family name. Second, she comes from a "good" family, meaning that her existence as his wife will be beneficial both to his career and to his wealth, for Greek women are usually provided with property, the essential bargaining tool for a good marriage.

Do you really want to walk down that isle?

If you expect that handsome Greek husband to be be faithful, think again. While extramarital affairs can be a potential problem anywhere, in Greece it is the status quo for the male partners. Still driven by beliefs of the 19^th century, most Greek men take for granted that they have far greater sexual needs than women, thereby excusing their extra-curricular activities. This is not to say that women in Greece don’t ever have affairs, but it is a rarer occurrence, and women must be far more discreet about it, for there is still nothing worse to the Greek man than to be cuckolded.

Our friend, Akis, for example, maintains that while there is not a chance of his ever being faithful to his wife, he would never forgive his wife one night of passion with another man. He is not alone in his convictions. This is how the average man in Greece thinks. A wife should accept her husband’s infidelities with no complaint as long as he is discreet ("thereby showing her respect," Akis explains), but the husband will leave immediately upon learning of even one indiscretion on his wife’s part that might make him a fool in the eyes of others.

These criticisms may seem a bit harsh, but they are not inaccurate. The average Greek man may be looking for a companion, but he is certainly not looking for an equal partner. He wants a woman to support his image, make his coffee, cook his dinner, wash and iron his clothes, raise his children, and when necessary, massage his ego so that he still feels like a man.

In fact, it has been my experience that the average man in Greece is threatened by a woman showing any kind of strength. In an era when two incomes are often necessary for survival, it is of course acceptable for a woman to work, even to have a career. Just don’t ever forget that no matter how much money you are bringing in, his job is more important, and he will always be more tired than you when he gets home, so you’d better have that dinner ready!

And if you are a woman with a little muscle tone, you are doomed to a dateless future. You will inspire awe, but not commitment. As one 40-year-old man explained to me, if I want to find a man I have to look less independent. "Relax your shoulders!" he told me. "No man is going to date a woman with such square shoulders. You look too strong and confident." With that bit of information I squared my shoulders even more and walked off. Imagine that! I’ll only get a date if my shoulders droop!